February 24, 2017

It looks like I will be placed on the list right around the 20th of March. They are letting me cross a very important item off my bucket list before I go on the transplant list. It is something I already had planned before I knew I would need a transplant. I am stable enough to go ahead with my plans. It is a little scary to know I will be on the list, and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. It is also a happy thing as well. There's always a whirlwind of different emotions in situations such as this. I don't believe in only acknowledging the positive emotions. Being mentally healthy means acknowledging all emotions and then releasing them. This is a high stress and emotional time so that is why I focus so much on my mental health. I really am trying to keep myself mentally on the straight and narrow so that I can cope with the surprises that are sure to pop up. I just need to get a couple signatures from my eye doctor etc saying that there are no issues preventing transplant. I have started a blog on wordpress.com to sort of tell my story and talk about the different issues involved in Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension as well as transplant. I'm not really one for writing blogs, but I feel like it could be an important tool to help people learn to have compassion and maybe even help someone like me. It really could help my son know me when he is older.

February 7, 2017

Last week I met one of the lung transplant surgeons. He seems like a really good person and a really good surgeon. He explained what the surgery would be like and how long I could possibly be in the hospital afterwards. It is a complicated and tough operation, but I am completely confident in the abilities of my surgeon and my other transplant physicians.

I hope to get to know the members of my transplant team better, and I really want them to know and understand me. I think right now that they have a lot to learn about me as a person, and vice versa. It can be frustrating when a patient does not feel understood. Time will fix that issue though.

Right now I am not scared about the surgery. However, I am very aware that I will have times of fear especially when the actual transplant time arrives. There is nothing wrong with being scared. In fact it takes a measure of bravery to admit fear. I know myself well enough to know that I will make it through. I just have to ride out the ups and downs of all the waves. I will cry when I need to cry, and I will laugh when I need to laugh.

In order to properly cope with all the stress, I try to just focus on the here and now. I say try because sometimes it is hard, and I am only human. I have to try to only worry about what I can control in the moment.

There are so many different aspects of receiving a transplant that it all can cause serious brain overload. I have done the best I can to get the proper answers to my questions so that I can have peace of mind and make the best decisions possible for me and my family. I have to have a certain measure of faith; faith that any issues that will inevitably pop up will be resolved. Most of all I have faith in me, and faith in my family to make it through.

I mention my family because they are sacrificing so much to help me get this transplant. It is my family that will have to pause their lives to care for me and drive me to doctor appointments until I am able. It is my family that will help me raise my son until I am healthy enough to do it on my own again. I wish I could accurately describe all their sacrifices. Maybe in future posts.

When times get tough I will just look at my son and remember why I am doing this. A mother will do anything to be with her children for as long as possible. I need my son and he needs me.

January 8, 2017

1-8-17

I have one more 24 hour test to undergo and a visit with the transplant surgeon. Both will be completed this month. After that my transplant team will get together and decide when I should get put on the list. It sounds like it will be sooner rather than later. However, I have learned that it is impossible to predict what my doctors and transplant team are thinking. I just know that it is coming and that I have to do this to ge with my son and husband.